What kind of movie is this where beautiful Princess Codille, played by former Playboy Playmate Barbi Benton can be chained to a rock wearing only a filmy negligee, only to have that negligee ripped off by a hulking barbarian? I think we all know the answer to that one ... a wonderful, wonderful movie!
Deathstalker, despite many flaws, is the sword and sandal movie that best captures the wild, barbaric spirit that the print world had known for decades through Robert E. Howard's Conan novels, the Savage Sword of Conan comic and John Norman's Gor novels.
Nobody has ever gotten that barbaric sword and sandal spirit down in movie (or television) form the way Peter Jackson got Tolkein's Lord of the Rings trilogy down in movie form, or the way George Lucas got galactic empire space operas down in Star Wars I-VI.
But Deathstalker is the arrow that has come closest to hitting the sword and sorcery bullseye dead center. And I'm including Conan the Barbarian, the movie that started the sword and sandal boom of the 1980s. I'm not saying that Deathstalker is in every respect a better movie than Conan the Barbarian, just that Conan the Barbarian was a little too sexless to have gotten it all down right. Conan the Barbarian is essentially a prepubescent boy's fantasy about life in a barbaric world, where Howard's Conan stories and Norman's Gor novels were men's fantasies of life in a barbaric world.
Deathstalker opens with a brilliantly conceived scene that sets the tone for the whole movie. A man on a horse appears, riding through the woods. Walking behind him is a captive, her wrists tied (in front, sigh) to his saddle. He comes to an old ruin in the forest and sets up camp.
Here's our helpless damsel with her first captor, tied up and half naked, awaiting her molestation by her captor. Now that's doin' it right!
As he makes camp, shadowy figures dart through the ruins and silently surround him and his captive. Just as he starts molesting his still-bound captive (yay!) the shadowy guys attack.
Turns out the they are a tribe of Very Ugly Men with mediocre fighting skills. He defends himself bravely, leaving the damsel to her fate, and judging by the way the Very Ugly Men swarm over her bound form, it looks like her fate will be a gangbang by Very Ugly Men.
Now the Very Ugly men are about to swarm her. Everybody wants to have sex with her, and her opinion is a moot point to them. What's a poor damsel to do?
Things aren't going well for the girl's initial captor. Despite their mediocre fighting skills, the Very Ugly Men have numbers on their side. Just as the captor is about to be shish-kebabbed by one of the Very Ugly Guys, a large, muscular, handsome guy who just MIGHT be our hero puts an arrow through the Very Ugly Guy, and then he (it's Deathstalker, all right, it's Deathstalker!) and he lone guy wipe out the Very Ugly Guys in short order.
The lone guy thanks Deathstalker and offers to share his woman with him, as if she were no more than a can of beans. Deathstalker refuses the offer, which is just as well, because a few moments later, the lone guy literally tries to backstab Deathstalker, but is unsuccessful due to Deathstalker killing the lone guy first.
Now here's the only surviving guy and he's hot for her and in moot point mode, too. Some days, you just can't win.
With all the other people in the area dead, Deathstalker turns his attention to the captive maiden he has rescued. Only it isn't a "rescue" in the conventional sense, since Deathstalker wants exactly the same thing from her that all the other guys wanted, and is just as uninterested in her feelings on the matter as them, i.e., Deathstalker intends to have sex with her. Immediately. He does not solicit her feelings on this topic at any point.
But Deathstalker really IS a liberal kind of guy for his milieu, because he unties her (boo!) and removes her ragged tunic, leaving her naked (yay!) before he pins her to the trunk of a tree and starts molesting her.
Deathstalker is interrupted early in his molestation (boo!) by a priest type. Deathstalker turns and confronts the priest, telling him to wait elsewhere until he's through with the woman. Unfortunately for Deathstalker, the woman takes the opportunity to hare off into the woods. (If he'd left her tied up, this might have been a lot more difficult for her.)
This opening constitutes what is without a doubt the most Gorean opening scene in any sword and sorcery movie. The captive woman is bound and captured by three different men/groups of men, all planning to have sex with her in short order, and none of them at all interested in her opinion on the topic.
And Deathstalker, the purported good guy of the story, is one of those men, and no different from any of the others in this respect. The scene is like a welcome mat laid out at the beginning of the movie, imprinted with the text, "Welcome to Gor" or "Welcome to the Hyborean Age."
Turns out the priest is visiting Deathstalker in order to let him know that he has been summoned by Tulak, the deposed king. Deathstalker, having nothing better to do now that all the other guys are dead and the slavegirl has run away, duly goes to see Tulak. He finds Tulak in a clearing in a forest. Tulak is the most deposed-looking king you ever saw. All he has is a chair with a red cushion that must be his throne-away-from-throne, and a battered crown. Otherwise, he's just an old man sitting in a forest clearing. He looks like he should be begging peasants for handout. Hell, he looks like he HAS been begging peasants for handouts, and none to successfully, neither.
King Tulak tells Deathstalker that he's looking for someone to kill Munkar (known to his close friends and "Mad Munkar") the usurper who took his throne in Goria (OK, I made that name up, I never did catch the real name of the kingdom, and it's not important anyway).
"But Munkar is a wizard who once destroyed an entire army by turning them into sheep," observes Deathstalker. "Only a fool would go up against him."
Deathstalker thinks. He does this far too often to make a real sword and sorcery hero.
"I do not need an army," replies Tulak, which is a good thing for him because by the look of things he doesn't even have an administrative assistant. "What I need is a hero."
"A hero is a fool," declares Deathstalker, who is clearly an anti-hero. Deathstalker is not interested. He sounds quite intelligent to me. But given the way of movies, we now we all know what will happen at the climax of the movie ... or do we?
Deathstalker heads off into the forest, where he soon finds another muscular handsome guy who is fighting it out with a group of Scruffy but Otherwise Normal Looking Guys who have a damsel tied to a tree (yay!) undoubtedly for all the usual reasons (i.e., sex).
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The rescued guy and Deathstalker then fight it out with the rest of the Scruffy Guys, kicking their asses with ease now that there's an entire two of them. (Yeah, this is pretty much a reprise of the opening scene in many respects. Don't blame me, I didn't write the plot, I'm just reporting it.)
Once there's no more fun to be had with the Scruffy Guys because they're all dead or fled, Deathstalker and Oghris (the rescued guy) untie the damsel from the tree and don't even try to have sex with her, probably because her kid runs up to hug her as soon as she's freed. Apparently, Deathstalker and Oghris have their limits.
Deathstalker and Oghris, their good deed done, head off to find more damsels to "rescue," hopefully damsels without kids nearby. When Deathstalker and Oghris make camp, a stranger hides in the shadows outside the fire. Deathstalker and Oghris detect the stranger, being trained heroes and all, and challenge the intruder.
The stranger steps forward, sword gleaming in the firelight, gray cloak concealing all but her enormous breasts. I knew immediately that it was Lana Clarkson, for well I knew her breasts from such films as Barbarian Queen and Slavegirls From Beyond Infinity.
Lana Clarkson's gorgeous body makes it clear that this one is not for the kiddies.
(Given how often women have been captured for purely sexual reasons already in the movie, it's obvious that Kaira is really good with her sword. Walking around with her lovely melons hanging out like that is a bit of warrior bravado, a way of saying, "Prithee, sir, if thou attempst to put thy hands on these cans without my approval, I shall perforate thee with my sword until thou art like unto a colander." Sort of like a drug kingpen wearing lots of bling around his neck.)
Lady Kaira and Oghris then proceed to duke it out with their swords, I think to see who gets to sleep with Deathstalker for the night. Deathstalker stops the fight before anyone gets perforated, probably because he figures he'd rather sleep with Kaira than Oghris.
In short order, Deathstalker DOES sleep with Kaira, and we mean really, really short order. The dialogue goes something like:
Kaira: You're cute.
Deathstalker: You're hot.
Kaira: I seem to be lying underneath you with all of my clothes removed.
Deathstalker: Part of me seems to be poking inside you. A lot.
Kaira: Feels nice.
Deathstalker: Yes, indeedy.
Oghris is right there at the fire while they do it, but he doesn't join in or masturbate or anything. What a shy guy he must be. You don't ordinarily get characterization like that in all B movies, lemme tell ya.
The next day the three friends head off to Goria because they've heard Mad Munkar is holding a tournament with fabulous prizes for participating barbarians, and all three of them want to participate because they've all had plenty of experience hacking up other barbarians, so they could be in for some really nice Tupperware or maybe a toaster.
In conjunction with the tournament, Munkar holds a fabulous party -- free food, lodging and slavegirls for anyone willing to fight others to the death.
Mad Munkar ... he actually seems to be in a pretty good mood. Which means of course that his evil plans are going well.
The party is a total success. Mad Munkar, a very early Goth guy, announces that the winner of the tournament will succeed him as ruler of Goria. And for the night's entertainment, in addition to the bevy of slavegirls hanging about, he offers a newly acquired treat, Codille, the daughter of poor old King Tulak.
Y'know, it's great to see slavegirls running around half nekkid and used like sexual snack foods in a non-porn movie. That's what really made the party/orgy scene for me -- a lot of women running around naked and getting smooged on left and right.
A slavegirl does some mud wrestling with another slavegirl to entertain the warriors. I know I'M entertained.
And the cherry on top of the confection was former Playboy Playmate of the Year Barbi Benton playing Codille, chained to a rock by the wrists, wearing only an extremely see-through negligee. She doesn't actually wear it for long -- a drunken warrior tries to rip the negligee off without success, unless you count seeing Barbi struggling nakedly and helplessly in her chains as the warrior shakes her about, which I most definitely count as success.
Here's Barbi Benton in a more naked mode, chained to the rock and struggling to keep the manacles on. (They're actually not the Loosies this picture makes them look.) Her right breast has an irregular shape because she's writhing, and they're natural breasts. Natural breasts do that when their owners move. Make a note of that, won't you?
The orgy scene was also enlivened by the warriors who, cranked to the max with adrenalin, testosterone and booze, started fighting one another just for the hell of it.
Especially memorable is a giant, pig-headed guy (I mean that literally -- he has the head of a pig) who is obviously the One To Beat in Munkar's tournament. (He and Deathstalker are paired off in the tournament, but I won't tell you who wins because if you can't figure that one, you can't be helped.)
A more panaromic view of Munkar's orgy. Guys fighting, naked women covered in mud, naked women not covered in mud ... Munkar may be an evil wizard, but the dude knows how to party!
The tournament itself really delivers the fighting cheese. The tournament consists entirely of guys killing and maiming each other with a variety of weapons and techniques.
Probably the most spectacular of the bunch was a guy with a huge hammer who literally pounded opponents into the ground with it. Another guy had the moves of a circus acrobat and a long knife where his hand should be, instead of a hook. He did a lot of leaping about and slashing his larger, slower opponents as they blundered about.
Pig guy may be ugly as sin but he makes up in brutality what he lacks in charm.
There's also the usual mayhem committed with swords and axes, and plenty of it.
After the tournament (also, during the tournament) there is more action and intrigue as Things Not Being What They Seem manifest themselves. I won't go into that at all because it would involve giving away plot details, and those details are not important. The important thing about the plot is that for the most part, it rolls right along, adroitly moving from mayhem to sexy T&A to mayhem, without getting noticeably dull and draggy at any point. (OK, there's a scene in a cave where Deathstalker gets his requisite magic sword of power that's kinda dull, but other than that, it zips right along.)
I've read a lot of reviews of Deathstalker and there are a lot of B movie fans who share my opinion Deathstalker: of the 80s wave sword and sandal flicks that sprang up in the wake of Conan the Barbarian's success, Deathstalker was easily the best of the bunch.
A naked, prone slavegirl lies on some furs awaiting her fate at the hands of the guy behind her, whatever that fate might be.
There are others who clearly consider it to be the Worst Sword and Sandal Movie Ever -- a motley crew of SNAGs (Sensitive New Age Guys), prudo-feminists, prudish gays, Flanderses (religious types) metrosexuals and other ne'er do wells.
You can see exactly what I'm talking about if you visit the the Deathstalker listing on the IMDB. Under the external reviews listing you'll find almost nothing but dissing for Deathstalker, mostly, though a few will admit at the end of the review that they liked the film, after many paratgraphs of bagging on the film (official review sites are heavily populated by SNAGs and gays of various stripes).
The "user comments" section of Deathstalker's IMDB is almost nothing but praise for the movie -- at least the last two pages are. "User comments" is of course more a domain inhabited by regular guys than official review sites. It's an amazingly strong dichotomy. My explanation for it is that the external reviewers used traditional metrics for judging Deathstalker (acting, plotting, characterization, cinematography, etc.) whereas the regular guys posting to "user comments" just do a gut check to see if they like the film, and they do, because it delivers the fighting, adventure and slavegirl T&A cheese, and does so very nicely.
Did I mention this movie was full of half-nekkid slavegirls, some of them in bondage?
And the interesting thing is, both groups derive their opinions from the same data -- that Deathstalker, more than any other flick, REALLY delivers the three cheeses that are the basis of the appeal of sword and sandal flicks -- fighting cheese (specifically, sword fighting cheese) adventure cheese (see exotic lands, fight exotic monsters, encounter strange magical people and things) and slavegirl T&A cheese (see exotic dancers, encounter womens breasts and butts, have sex with exotic slavegirls).
Two of these cheeses -- fighting cheese and adventure cheese -- have been done to death since the genre got cranked. There have been some great films along these lines, such as Conan the Barbarian, Captain Blood (great adventure cheese) and most any Hercules peplum flick (Italian-made sword and sandal movies from the 60s and 70s) which provide great fighting cheese.
But Deathstalker, Barbarian Queen and a few others from the 80s are the only films that really delivered on the slavegirl cheese. The older films are basically two-legged stools. They may be beautifully crafted stools, but however well-made a two-legged stool might be, it's decidedly inferior to any three-legged stool, even one made in a decidedly mediocre fashion.
Others have noticed the two-legged stoolishness of many sword and sorcery flicks and have bagged on them mercilessly for it. I mean, it's ridiculous for a barbaric fighting man to kill half a dozen monsters and a couple of armies to rescue a damsel in distress and want nothing more than a peck on the cheek and a nice hug. Any realistic barbarian will want her to put his pecker between her cheeks and a nice shag. The goofy obliviousness of most sword and sandal heroes where sex is concerned takes a lot of people right out of the movie.
As this image indicates, Lana Clarkson's breasts are so big her bra needs four straps to keep them in place.
The particular skill with which Deathstalker delivers its cheese is what makes it a favorite with regular guys and particularly offensive to prudo-feminists and such, especially with regard to the T&A. As I've already noted, Deathstalker borrowed heavily from the Gor novels and that is the reason the T&A was so well delivered. There are plenty of sword and sorcery stories out there that concentrate on fighting and magic, and plenty of sword and sandal stories that concentrate on fighting and general adventure, both with very little interest in slavegirl T&A. The Gor novels work the slavegirl T&A about as hard as you can without becoming porn (many would argue the Gor novels did become porn, but I've never read any OTHER porn that worked plotting and general adventure as hard as the Gor novels, so I just don't buy it).
Sword and sorcery filmmakers would be well advised to follow the Gor novels' lead, just as Deathstalker and Barbarian Queen did. They need to REALLY bring the sexy slavegirl cheese along with the fighting and adventure cheese. This will get you a lot of unsympathetic reviews from the SNAGs who dominate mainstream reviewers, just as they have dissed Deathstalker and Barbarian Queen. But these filmmakers stand to make a shitload of money, just like Roger Corman did from Deathstalker. More, if you play your cards right. There are VERY active premium cable markets for R-rated stuff, and raunchy R-rated stuff tends to do well in DVD sales and rentals as well. The way is clear.
It has been over 20 years since Deathstalker was made. Perhaps it's time for some stronger slavegirl imagery than Deathstalker had, magnificent though it was for its time.
Image courtesy of sponsor Sex and Submission.