You know you're in for a truly dumb movie when the opening shots of a film show a group of Roman legionnaires hard at work in the bosky woods, felling trees and clearing land. That's not the dumb part -- the Roman legions were expert builders and spent much more time with shovels and axes in their hands than with swords in their hands. They built roads, bridges, aqueducts, walls and so forth all over Europe, some of which are still standing.

The dumbeth comes from the fact that the legionnaires are working in full battle armor, complete with breastplates, shoulder pads, helmets and shinguards. And they're using their swords and double-bladed battle axes to cut down the trees. This is, of course, moronic. It's difficult enough doing the hard labor involved in clearing land and building things (i.e., the titular arena) when you're wearing work clothes.

Battle armored foresters chop down trees with swords and battle axes in The Arena. Yes, it really is that stupid."

But it would have to be hellishly difficult in full battle armor. And swords and battle axes are not designed for cutting down trees. Surely they can be used for that purpose, but there's a REASON the axes used to cut down trees are designed differently from the axes used to kill men. And I'm betting that Roman legionnaires, master builders that they were, were WAAAY into using the right tool for the job.

A scene like this is thus evidence of idiocy on SOMEONE'S part, and rest of The Arena bears it out.

The Arena is the story of four beautiful women who are captured by the Romans and enslaved and shipped off to Rome to be sold and wind up as female gladiators due to bad marketing.

It's a Roger Corman production (i.e., cheap) and it is without a doubt the sword and sandal epic that most egregiously mishandles the slave girl theme among all the sword and sandal films I've seen to date. (Though it is not the worst sword and sandal flick I've seen. This is indeed a genre that is rife with stinkers.)

The Arena wins the much-coveted "most egregiously mishandles the slavegirl theme" award because unlike most Sword and Sandal flicks, it is ABOUT four slave girls, it is arguably a SEXPLOITATION flick, and it bungles almost every single opportunity to capitalize on the eye candy aspects of slavegirls outlined in What Should A Slavegirl Look Like and The Slavegirl Mystique. That's unforgivable. And the badness that is The Arena is also unforgettable -- no matter how hard you may try.

Our story begins in the northernmost Roman outpost, a place called "Durostorum" which is Roman for "Godforsaken Hellhole" to judge by the attitude of the Romans stationed there. Despite being top dogs in the local society, having conquered them, they are unhappy about being posted to a cold, woodsy slum for some reason.

The top banana at Durostorum is Timarchus, a decorated officer who has led many successful battles but is now more than ready to retire to a nice grape farm somewhere warm and sunny and spend his days as a rich patrician farmer who drinks plenty of his farm's output.

Timarchus: ready to head off to the grape farm. Actor Victor Virzhbitsky gives his character a lot more character than the movie deserves.

Unfortunately for Timarchus, the Roman Emperor Commodus indicates that Timarchus must stick it out in Durostorum for another season or ten. And those who know the history of Rome know that saying "No" to the emperor will get you nailed upside-down on a cross in two shakes of a slavegirl's tail. So Timarchus is stuck in Durostorum and is pretty crabby about it, which bodes ill for any Roman slaves in the vicinity.

Longing for the topnotch entertainment to be found in the Roman Coliseum, Timarchus has his men build a Coliseum for him in Durostorum (see above). It's much smaller than the original and made entirely of the wood that is so plentiful in the northern forests, but it's still a convenient place for crowds of people to watch men stab each other to death.

Timarchus puts on a gladiatorial show in the Durostorum arena, but the local barbarians don't really know much about showmanship, and butcher each other quickly and prosaically, disappointing Timarchus enormously.

Timarchus decides he needs some real Roman gladiators to show the locals how Romans fight, so he sends his right-hand man Mirabile Dictus down to Rome to buy a few gladiators and a gladiator trainer.

The infamous slavegirl auction scene from The Arena that rocked the sword and sandal world with its sheer badness. This is as much as you see of the slavegirls -- I mean, this vidcap is the image that shows off the most body in the scene. And yes, it's pathetic.

While Dictus is wandering around Rome with all that coin burning a hole in his toga, he comes across a merchant selling four barbarian female slaves as a single lot. The price is quite reasonable and what can be seen of them is pretty, though very little can be seen of them. (As I pointed out in The Slavegirl Auction Scene, the auction scene in The Arena is about as badly done as is humanly possible and still have something that might be recognized as a slavegirl auction scene. I won't go into details except to say that theses slavegirls are auctioned fully clothed and they show no interest in the proceedings.)

Now, you'd think that being slavegirls, the barbarian gals do get tied up, chained or SOMETHING along the lines of bondage. Well, think again, beanius weenius. Despite the fact that we have both capture and transportation scenes for all these slaves, there are NO, repeat NO bondage scenes of any kind in this film. Yea, verily, it boggleth the mind, The Arena is part of the No Bondage Zone.

And it's not just i the area of bondage that The Arena is a failure. Throughout the movie, not just the auction scene, the four slavegirls are dressed in what can only be described as dowdy rags that do NOTHING for their nubile figures, which we know about only because there are a couple of nude sex scenes later on. (So we know it's not inhibitions or ratings concerns that keeps the slavegirls looking dowdy. It's just sheer human stupidity.)

Two of the women in this picture are Playboy Playmates. These costumes are what they wear for most of the movie. Except for their OTHER dowdy rags. No, I'm not kidding.

So the newly purchased slavegirls are marched off to Durostorum along with the gladiators and whatever else Dictus picked up. They travel on foot, of course, through many miles of dark, forbidding forests, much like the dark, forbidding forests that three out of four of the slavegirls presumably grew up in. So there's a real danger that the slavegirls might run away and escape, given that they are forest natives and dressed light, whereas the Roman soldiers who follow them are not forest natives and are wearing heavy battle armor.

Totally unfettered , lighty clad slavegirls march through the dense woods that several of them are native to by Roman legionnaires wearing full battle armor. No chance of THEM escaping into the trees that range on either side.

Like most elements of the story, this just doesn't make any sense. Putting the slavegirls in coffle or chaining them to the wagon, or putting them in shackles would all make sense, and they are all common historical practices when transporting slaves, but apparently unknown to the subhumans who made this movie.

When they arrive at Durostorum the slavegirls are given to Cornelia as work slaves. Cornelia lines them up and asks their names. Lucinia, the ex-Roman lady slave (her husband lost her when he was unable to pay his debts) Jessemina, the Spanish barbarian slave, Dierdre, a slave whose mind has cracked under her privations as a slave before those privations have gotten much of a start, all give their names.

But Bodicia, the blonde barbarian slave from the northern forests, is unaccountably stricken shy and doesn't give her name. Cornelia absorbs this and bends over to soak a rag in a nearby stream. Then she gets up and belts the living shit out of Bodicia with the water-soaked rag.

"What's your name again?" she then asks Bodicia.

"Bodicia," mumbles the somewhat groggy Bodicia.

Next time when I ask you a question, you will answer quickly," Cornelia says, and Bodicia nods miserably.

Shortly thereafter, Cornelia gives her new slaves an order: "Strip!"

They clearly have learned nothing from Bodicia's experience, and this of course includes Bodicia. Instead of stripping, they continue the practice they have employed since getting captured by the Romans, which is standing around and looking miserable and reluctant.

Karen MacDougal is stripped by hunky guys along with all the other slave girls in the semi-incredible "plucking" scene. This is a blink-and-you-miss-it scene. The slavegirls might have subsequently been raped -- to judge by the dramatic music, they were. But you don't get to see that. Too dramatic, y'know.

A couple of hunky male slaves "chance" to her Cornelia's order, and when the new slaves don't comply, and one of them suggests, "Can we help them?" With an evil grin (it's her best grin) Cornelia says, "Why don't you help me pluck them?" At these words the burly male slaves jump the slavegirls and strip them. Then it might be that they rape them. You don't see the actual raping, other than some hugging, kissing and fondling during the stripping, but the way the scene stops abruptly as the aforementioned hugging, kissing and fondling is still in progress, accompanied by dramatic music, clearly implies rape.

The rape is gratuitous in every sense -- it has no noticeable effect on the slavegirls' character, and there's no indication that they are subsequently molested. This is a wasted dramatic opportunity, too, but it's in keeping with all the other wasted dramatic opportunities that occur in the movie. As in, almost every opportunity gets wasted.

So, on with the plot.

The imported Roman gladiators fight in the Arena. It's a quick battle -- one gladiator, in a move that's every bit as convincingly staged as Arthur's defeat of the Black Knight in "Monty Python and the Holy Grail," chops off the other gladiator's arm, killing him. (The dead gladiator is clearly a wimp compared to the Black Knight, who lost both arms and legs to Arthur, but was still threatening to gnaw on Arthur's ankles.)

"It's just a flesh wound!"

The fight is way too brief to suit Timarchus (I didn't like it myself). He wants more mayhem, less simple slaughter. He blames Septimus, the gnarly and gladiator who trains the younger gladiators in mayhem. So he forces Septimus to fight two Roman gladiators at once in the next Arena battle.

These fighters lasts longer as there are three gladiators involved, but not a LOT longer as it quickly becomes evident that Septimus has held out some of his tricks from his trainees. So Timarchus' bloodlust is still unsatisfied, and he's about out of Roman gladiators.

(I must point out that this is greatly Timarchus' own doing. Whenever a gladiator is merely injured, the crowd always opts for life for him, but Timarchus always gives him the thumbs down. (I know, I know, thumbs down actually meant life for the gladiator in Roman times, but this movie is too stupid to know this or that or anything else.) If he'd reign in that bloodlust of his, his gladiators might last a lot longer. But Timarchus clearly belongs to the Evil subspecies of Romans, which means that whenever he's presented with options, he always picks the most Evil option.)

Meanwhile, out in the village of whatever it is that they call the encampment of miserable hovels outside the fort, the slavegirls are very unhappy. For some reason, they're not enjoying the life of hard yet menial labor, constant submission and repeated rapes, that constitutes slavegirlhood in Durostorum.

Unable to take their anger out on their mistress Cornelia, they turn on one another, fighting and feuding and so forthing. During one of their more vigorous altercations, Timarchus is nearby and hears the screams and shouting and goes over to see what's up. When he sees the slavegirls fighting so vigorously, he lights up with glee at the sight. His Evil Roman mind is ablaze with a notion that will slake his jaded bloodthist: FEMALE GLADIATORS!

And thus, more than halfway through the movie, we finally arrive at the point where the movie should have started. Well, almost.

Timarchus orders the female gladiators off the hovel and into the semi-luxurious slave pens beneath the Arena.

Here are the OTHER dowdy rags worn by the slavegirls in The Arena. Lisa Dergan (Bodicia) is the blond at center, and Karen MacDougal (Jessemina) is far right. They are both former Playboy Playmates. They're doing what they do for most of the movie, wearing dowdy rags and looking miserable. What a waste.

Much as they disliked being Cornelia's whipping girls, the slavegirls aren't exactly overjoyed at this turn of events, because they know their lifespan has gone from something that might be measured in years to something that would more appropriately be measured in days or weeks (if they're lucky).

Septimus isn't happy about having to teach chicks to fight in the Arena, or women either, but the sure knowledge that Timarchus will have him tortured and or killed if he refuses, helps Septimus see reason.

Will the slave girls make good gladiators? Which former friend will kill which former friend if they do? What will Septimus do to them if they don't? Is there any way they can escape their fate of getting stabbed a lot?

This, the INTERESTING and DRAMATIC part of the movie, is incredibly rushed (see: movie already more than half over). The dramatic implications of having the four slave girls, who have formed tight emotional bonds during their captivity, forced to try to kill one another, are not well realized, in fact, not realized at all. Hell, a Lifetime Channel writer would have milked the drama out of this for all it was worth, because the basic plot is so thick with drama that it's about to curdle.

And the idiots who made this film missed it almost completely.

At last! Some skin! Karen MacDougal has great rack and shows it off in her sex scene with a hunky gladiator. Unfortunately, it's a blink and you miss it scene throughout, for reasons to be explained later.

The back half of the movie is where we get the Skinamax scenes of the slavegirls paring off with various hunky guys, and the older, disfigured Septimus. Yeah, Septimus falls in love with Lucinia, the Spanish slavegirl, and she falls for him, too, though later events indicate she might have just figured Septimus is her best shot at survival. (If you know your evil Romans, you'll recognize this as a Bad Move.)

Lisa Dergan gets nude for her sex scene. Another blinkie as well, also for reasons to be explained later.

There's also the requisite Roman orgy scene. OK, "orgy" isn't quite the word. Imagine that some modern-day accountants decided to hold a toga party and decided to hire a few strippers to liven things up ... that would be a MUCH better party that the Roman orgy in The Arena. The strippers I've seen are MUCH sexier and do MUCH wilder stuff than the "slaves" at the "Roman orgy," who basically just went topless and waggled their thong-clad butts a bit.

If this is Roman decadence, then Rome wasn't very decadent at all, and historically, this is inaccurate, Ancient Rome was ALL KINDS of decadent. (OK, OK, I know, this is sexploitation, we're not doing a historically film here, but hell, I guess it would have been TOO FUCKING SEXY for a SEXPLOITATION film to hire a few actual strippers and have them REALLY shake their butts, or to show a couple of slavegirls being sexually used while everyone goes on eating and talking, or putting a few slavegirls in CHAINS or GAGS while they served, as in the 19 frickin' 34 version of Cleopatra!)

OK, in the foreground we do have a pretty much naked (though her body is mostly in shadow) slavegirl lying on her side while she's given mouth to breast respiration, ignored by the other people at the feast. But it was a blinkie, too ... more about that later.

The Arena, which is that despite having a plot premise of great dramatic potential, it's really dull. The direction is leaden, the acting is wooden, the script has a tin ear for dialogue and the plot moves like molasses. It's an iron age movie, in every respect.

There are two major flaws that are responsible for The Arena's dullness, one technical, one dramatic. (But before I explain what they are, let me confess -- my cable system provider messed up and there are bits of The Arena that I haven't seen. The image turned into a bunch of pixels then went black for a time. Worse yet, the black spots are in what are, for my purposes, two key scenes in the film -- the Roman orgy scene and the Skinamax sex scenes. It's like my cable system KNEW which parts of the film would be most useful to me, and deliberately fucked them up. That said, I saw enough of both the orgy scene and the Skinamax sex scenes that I'm sure my overall analysis is correct.)

Here's something I missed. It's a flashback that occurs near the end of the film. I believe it shows Timarchus molesting Bodicia during the Roman orgy scene. It must be from the orgy scene section that my cable system blanked out. Thank you, Charter Communications. In any event, I am absolutely sure it was a blink-and-you-miss-it scene.

The technical issue is that the director of The Arena is addicted to jump cuts to a degree that would embarrass an MTV video director. The only way to get the vidcaps of the images I wanted was to use the "pause" button on my DVD player -- there literally was no image that I wanted in the ENTIRE film that lasted long enough to be captured at normal speed.

These jump cuts occurred throughout the film but got really cranked whenever any action scene occurred -- and "action" means not just violence or chasing around, but any scene where anyone moves at all, which definitely includes orgy scenes and MOST Skinamax sex scenes. (Some Skinamax sex scenes are performed in such slow motion that you can't call them action scenes by any standard.)

A dancing slave shakes her tailfeathers in the orgy scene ... however, the jump cutting is so fast and furious that you never actually see her tail shaking. Just a series of more or less static images, like this one.

The problem the jump cutting creates in terms of sexploitation is that you never get to properly ogle the hot babes. EVERY SINGLE SHOT of a naked or half-naked cutie in The Arena is a blink-and-you-miss-it scene. You could injure your eyes trying to ogle an Arena cutie.

No ogling, no sexploitation, it's as simple as that. Some reviewers have commented that there was very little sex and nudity in The Arena, and it's true, The Arena was well below average for a sexploitation film. But the real problem with The Arena from a sexploitation point of view is that there is NO decent sex or nudity in the flick. Despite the two Playmates, a pretty much a total loss as a sexploitation film.

You know, an image of a naked, collared, cuffed, shackled and gagged slavegirl being molested in the slave pens ... one that wasn't jump cut into a series of blinkies ... would have been just the thing to crank up the hottitude in a film like The Arena.

Image courtesy of sponsor Sex and Submission.

The dramatic issue arises from the circumstances under which the film was created. After the fall of the Soviet Union, Roger Corman got into Russia's film community fast, realizing that they were going to be in desperate straits and willing to work for wages that US actors would only sneer, chortle and if they were feeling generous, guffaw at.

That's how Corman got actual sets (such as the Arena itself) built for peanuts. And that's how he got highly talented and skilled Russian actors to work on his proposed sexploitation flick less than peanuts. The level of acting skill -- even from the Playmates -- is well above what you'd expect from a sexploitation flick.

And that's where I think the problem occurred -- instead of delivering the sexploitation cheese, the topnotch actors, hampered though they were by a sleazy script, tried to deliver a topnotch historical adventure film. And what we wound up was neither a good sexploitation film (though it's clearly the direction that ruined that) nor a good historical action film. We instead got a very Russian historical sexploitation film -- endless shots of miserable people wandering through cold, damp woods and not much else.

So, if you want to see hot female slaves fighting, get two administrative assistants (i.e., cubicle slaves) fighting over who made the mess in the break room. It will be MUCH more entertaining than The Arena. And if you want to see a hot female slave having sex, try the Internet. About all The Arena is good for is ... serving as a bad example for other sword and sandal filmmakers.

OK, the slavegirls do fight a few bouts in the Arena, and there's some death, so at least that kind of cheese is delivered. But ... care to guess in what manner the scenes are filmed?

Comment on this review

Go to the Sword and Sandal Index

Return to Our Stupendous Main Index