On Valentine's Day, Remember the Butt!

Note the Valentine "hearts" at the top of the page. They're another sad example of how Western culture's sexual inhibition renders things silly. If you've ever seen a photo or a realistic drawing of a human heart, you know it's a disgusting, lumpy muscle that bears little resemblance to a Valentine's heart. The real inspiration for the Valentine's heart is a lover's butt as seen during doggie-style sex, as we think our illustration amply demonstrates.

Left: an image of a real human heart. Right, a Valentine heart with vaginal-looking lip print superimposed. Compare with illustrations at the top of the page. Draw your own conclusions.

Valentine's is a holiday that a lot of guys don't like. It's just too heavily weighted toward all the sweety-lovey stuff that makes us uncomfortable. Sentimental cards, candies, gifts, acting civilized -- it's quite the burden.

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That's why it's important for us to remember that Valentine's is about butts. While you're being nice and doing everything you can to make your damsel feel loved and appreciated, if the sugariness gets to be Just Too Much and you feel like you're in serious danger of saying something too, um, masculine -- remember the butt. Always remember the butt. It just might get you over the hump.

It really is a good thing to make your damsel feel loved and appreciated, but it can be hard sometimes. That's why we say -- remember the butt.

Of course, some of us like our butts nicely packaged.